"Pray for me please that I keep smiling at Him in spite of everything..."

-Mother Teresa (regarding the latest discoveries about her feelings towards God, heaven, religion, etc)

"So what is to learn from this? Obviously this shows that it is okay to doubt, but even more prevalent is the lesson in altruism. Doing good for the sake of doing good and not for a God, Heaven, or religion is truly the greatest deed on Earth."

...says a good person that I go to school with. That I've shared a good amount of religious musings with. I couldn't agree more.

I like to think that I'm a good person. I'd even go so far as to say that I'm better than a good amount. Not better in ability or in looks or in intelligence...I'm average, if not below, in most of the socially significant aspects of life. I just mean that I have a good idea of what I believe it means to be a good person, and I think that I do a good job of staying close to it. I don't think that it's vain to think that. If someone can honestly say that they think they're a good person, then I think that they should be able to feel good about that.

Not to say that I'm anywhere near Mother Teresa. She qualifies as a saint whether she wanted to or not! Because, like he said, she did good because it was the right thing to do. Even if she may not have wanted to. Even if it wasn't really done for God, for his glory, for any of those things. You do it for the person that is directly in front of you. That, I think, is what Jesus was really up to all that time. I don't care if he was God, man, somewhere in between. I like to think of him as a regular guy, kinda 'off', kinda an outcast, misunderstood...but ultimately a person with a good heart. If a person wants to emulate him, be like him, it shouldn't be because he's "sinless" and "great" and our "shepherd." You should want a good heart, earned and developed with your OWN thoughts, life experiences, etc. Or at least that's what I think.

Aaaaanyway. Not to sound preachy, but...you know, whatever, no apologies necessary. And frankly, I enjoy what I have to say, lol. But yeah. Anyway. I finished "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close." Amazing. I suggest you give it a go.

I had to go to Orange today, to the St. Joseph's hospital area. God, that place was a maze...I felt like Albert in "I Heart Huckabees," you know, during the opening credits when he's looking for the office. I did notice, though, how beautiful the patient center building was. It looked more like a hotel than a medical center (not a five star hotel or anything, but still very nice). I could never work in the medical field, though. It wouldn't matter how beautiful the hospital was; I would still never be able to shake off the reality that loss was happening all around me. I would fail at being a doctor for sure! I don't know if I would do well to know that I caused someone one of the most significant losses of their lives. Actually. Sometimes I feel like I might fail at being an attorney, for the very same reasons. But like I say, who knows. We'll see.

Anyway, on the way down to the main floor, I shared an elevator with a really cute couple...really perfect looking, actually. Except that the wife couldn't walk. For some reason, I felt like an absolute jerk, standing in front of her, shifting my weight from one leg to the other. I got to the parking lot and decided to take the stairs to my car. I felt like it was the least I could do. I hate that I only appreciate things after I see something sad.

What if I lost the ability to walk in my mid-40s? Why does that have to happen to anyone, anyway? There are a lot of things that I wish I knew more about. Like why my parents ever decided to get married (if they never really loved each other the way you have to to get married). Or why I can't sleep full nights when I'm not with him. Or why I can't write poetry anymore (feeling shy about yourself is a weird feeling). I want to know why I cry every time I hear "After Hours," or why I at least feel like crying whenever I hear that voice sing, period. I wonder why Monica had to die. But maybe I don't want the answer to that question.

I've been emotional this year! Hah, to say the least. I'm fine. Perfectly fine. Actually, I'm a lot happier than any other time I can remember. But I'm ridiculously sensitive. For a while I've just assumed that it was a phase. But now that I think of it, ever since it happened, I've taken life incredibly seriously. I think of everything waaaay too carefully. Weigh things way to heavily. It this who I am know? Another question I wish I knew the answer to.

"I wanted to be empty like an overturned pitcher. But I was full like a stone."

Like I said, it's a good book. Good quotes. I wish I could put words together as beautifully as that.

Anyway. My mind's been busy today. All week, actually. Ask my poor boyfriend; he's been so nice about it, but I'm sure it's starting to get on his nerves. :) Another thing to appreciate.

Ok. Ok. Time to eat yogurt and do practice tests. Holler.

Beginning with...

Ooooohhhh, Kay.

I had another one of these, but I forgot my username/password/all that good stuff, so I decided to make a new one. Not much sense in it, since I have a facebook, a myspace, a xanga, a livejournal, and, you know, actual journals. I guess I'm just THAT in to what I have to say, hah.

Plus, today was a lovely day, and lovely days filled with nothing have a way of inspiring me to do artsy things. Usually it comes in theform of a painting or a little song on the piano, but today it was a new blog. Who's to say a public online journal isn't artistic??!

So, I'm going to tinker around and re-familliarize myself with this thing. Peace.