"...it's just a lie to scare your sons and scare your daughters."

Mark and I were driving around talking last night...marveling at how much we've changed and how much more fulfilled and complete we feel nowadays. And we got to thinking, "What was it that brought about this new appreciation for the Self?"

I came up with (well, we both came up with) not being around the church any more. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE religion. Can't get enough of it. It fascinates me how it provides thousands of various devotees with purpose and convictions. But I think that's the point. There will never be one way to be, one way to look at things, one candle to hold everyone and everything up to. I still find the value in religion, and I still have a great personal interest in my own spiritual development, but (and especially at this time in my life) I feel so much happier knowing that I have the freedom to find out how I really am, not as a member of a church but as a person. No wonder I was so damn unhappy all the time, lol.

I guess those who practice would say that I'm taking the easy way out. I think the term that they use is "buffet Catholic" - picking and choosing the things that I follow, agree with or disagree with. I don't deny that, and those closest to me know that I am by no means a Catholic. If anything I am culturally Catholic - something that I happen to enjoy being. "But yes, father, it's true. I don't believe. At least not the formula that you're handing me. And I'm not sorry for any of my aforementioned sins because I don't believe that I was wrong."

Yes, I said those very words to a priest during my last confession. It was a 45-minute breakdown of my prior belief system, and I think that running it by a priest really sealed the deal for me. And I dunno, studying Christianity from a historical, non-Christian perspective, alongside with other world religions, has really made me appreciate it in a completely different way. I value everything that it taught me about people and respect, but really. It was just another middle-eastern "mystery cult." That isn't meant to sound like a knock against the church, that's just how it started in the Western world. I find it an amazing institution...but only equal (maybe a little less, lol) in amazement to Judaism, Hinduism, Islam, Sufism...even Candomble, even rastafarianism. If people experience the divine in all of these cultural enclaves, then doesn't that suggest that there is something greater than us, than written words scratched in books by MAN during particular historical periods? There is something transcendant about the human spirit that I really doubt has anything to do with following a to-do list.

My wonderful amazing and not the least judgemental confirmation sponsor once told me a long time ago that his main concern was 'would god be proud of me if i met him at the end of the day."

All I can say is that I am ten times the person that I ever was 2-3 years ago.

A Jigsaw Falling Into Place...

I remember why I decided to make this blog. Because of horribly nosy people who like to determine the person that they choose to believe I am by reading my bloggies, hah. I guess the most logical thing to do would be to not write in online journals, but I'm stubborn and I usually go against my better judgements.

Anyway. I haven't written in this since September. Time is hilarious. September to January is no time at all, but it feels like all the difference in the world. It's always interesting to see where you've been...sometimes you end up in completely unfamiliar territory. Sometimes you end up exactly where you expected yourself to be. I think this semester's left me in the middle. A little bit of both. Things are harder and easier. Happy and sad. I have things to look forward to and things that I'm petrified to have to face. Isn't that just the way it goes though?

I'm happily into my first week of the last Jan-Term of my life. T.S. Eliot and Ernest Hemingway are great topics to spend your time learning about! They have so much to say. So many contradictions, which I love. I am full of contradictions, as is everyone I'm sure.

And February will mark the beginning of my last semester of college. When all is said and done, college has been nothing but a positive experience for me and I'm thankful that I got to go. I spent a good amount of time worrying my ass off about what my future is going to be like and what I'm going to end up doing with my life, but winter break gave me a little time to catch my breath and I'm feeling much better now. I don't worry too much about it these days. I will end up exactly where I'm meant to end up...I guess that as long as I keep focusing my energies on pursuing the things that matter to me I should end up alright. Law school, yes. But I want to keep learning about people and cultures. I want to keep seeing new places and learning about things that I've never heard of before. I just have to keep reminding myself that there are bigger things at work in the world that have nothing and everything to do with me.

I'm going to clean out my closet and listen to some Radiohead. Peace, people. And don't forget to vote!