Mark and I were driving around talking last night...marveling at how much we've changed and how much more fulfilled and complete we feel nowadays. And we got to thinking, "What was it that brought about this new appreciation for the Self?"
I came up with (well, we both came up with) not being around the church any more. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE religion. Can't get enough of it. It fascinates me how it provides thousands of various devotees with purpose and convictions. But I think that's the point. There will never be one way to be, one way to look at things, one candle to hold everyone and everything up to. I still find the value in religion, and I still have a great personal interest in my own spiritual development, but (and especially at this time in my life) I feel so much happier knowing that I have the freedom to find out how I really am, not as a member of a church but as a person. No wonder I was so damn unhappy all the time, lol.
I guess those who practice would say that I'm taking the easy way out. I think the term that they use is "buffet Catholic" - picking and choosing the things that I follow, agree with or disagree with. I don't deny that, and those closest to me know that I am by no means a Catholic. If anything I am culturally Catholic - something that I happen to enjoy being. "But yes, father, it's true. I don't believe. At least not the formula that you're handing me. And I'm not sorry for any of my aforementioned sins because I don't believe that I was wrong."
Yes, I said those very words to a priest during my last confession. It was a 45-minute breakdown of my prior belief system, and I think that running it by a priest really sealed the deal for me. And I dunno, studying Christianity from a historical, non-Christian perspective, alongside with other world religions, has really made me appreciate it in a completely different way. I value everything that it taught me about people and respect, but really. It was just another middle-eastern "mystery cult." That isn't meant to sound like a knock against the church, that's just how it started in the Western world. I find it an amazing institution...but only equal (maybe a little less, lol) in amazement to Judaism, Hinduism, Islam, Sufism...even Candomble, even rastafarianism. If people experience the divine in all of these cultural enclaves, then doesn't that suggest that there is something greater than us, than written words scratched in books by MAN during particular historical periods? There is something transcendant about the human spirit that I really doubt has anything to do with following a to-do list.
My wonderful amazing and not the least judgemental confirmation sponsor once told me a long time ago that his main concern was 'would god be proud of me if i met him at the end of the day."
All I can say is that I am ten times the person that I ever was 2-3 years ago.
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