Grow up & blow away...

I can't even count the number of girls that are just like me/girls that I'm just like. I like to write out my laundry list of accomplishments that coincide with my whole once-overly-protected-and-religiously-devout-but-now-exposed-to-the-rest-of-the-world, asian-daughter-into-bands-and-indie-shit-with-glasses-and-side-bangs prototype. I'm a global/cultural studies major. i liked to write and imagined i'd be an english major, hated it, and ended up minoring in it. my previous leaps of blind faith have left me obsessed with religion so i eventually took enough classes to get a minor in that too. i "love travel". i like to go to shows in my blazers and headbands and side bangs. i watch "films" and i (being asian) am a good student and plan on pursuing more and more and more and more scholarly endeavors.

But Monica was a unique person. As unique as it gets. I never see any real individuals anymore; just a bunch of "prototypical non-conformists" (and I should know, cuz I just spent the last paragraph talking about how I am one...). Monica has been dead for year. It was exactly one year last Sunday, and if I had a computer in my room in Whittier, I would have typed and typed and typed meaningless words (kinda line these words) about how much I miss her and how she never ever deserved to die because she loved living more than anyone else that I knew/know. She knew what it was "all about". She loved her life and took it for everything that it was and wasn't, which is so much more than so many other people can say.
I find it particularly upsetting when I hear the biblical sayings of "it was god's plan" or "she's in a better place." i don't know where she is, and i don't believe in that kind of god, and I really don't find any comfort in those sorts of things. I prefer "The Little Prince" to the bible and those ideas have been getting me past it.

She was only 20 years old. And what's horrible is that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. She was healthy and happy and perfect. I know that time is supposed to heal and I feel like everyone moves/moved forward...I guess I did too in a way. But the problem is that I never felt ANGRY about it until last week. Until the 1 year "anniversary". Until seeing everyone gathered into that "Day Care" room at St. Joseph's (where we met, where we became friends and sisters 17 years ago...), there to support her family and to celebrate her life.
I'm not gonna be melodramatic and say some shit like "I wonder who'd celebrate my life?" I know exactly who. A lot of people love me and would be devastated if anything like that ever happened. I really don't think that's the point. And just because this happened to Monica doesn't mean I don't think that we are all pretty insignificant in the whole big scheme of existence. I just hope that I keep Monica and her light and her joy and contentment in mind these next few months.

She was never in any particular rush to "get the fuck out" of here. She didn't think that staying in Rancho made you a failure. There's nothing wrong with staying if you have no reason to leave. I have every reason to leave, but I hope that when I make my decision, I make it for the RIGHT reasons. Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons isn't worth it.

Ugh, god. How frustrating. There are so many people that are just TRASH. Absolute trash. Monica was golden. I still don't comprehend the fact that she's gone and never coming back.

There is, however, goodness going on in my life. My dad is the new...well shit, I don't totally know the title. Something like the Director for technological training and advancement for the district of San Bernardino community colleges. What I like about it is he advocates new sources of more efficient energy through nanotechnology etc to business and stuff, and educates them on technology and how to harness it to help the environment. As you all know, I'm really "in to that" whole saving the earth thing, lol. At least I'm a sheep to productive trends.
Well. Obsessively buying overpriced pants is really REALLY far from productive.
Ugh, Monica. She would know better.