"...it's just a lie to scare your sons and scare your daughters."

Mark and I were driving around talking last night...marveling at how much we've changed and how much more fulfilled and complete we feel nowadays. And we got to thinking, "What was it that brought about this new appreciation for the Self?"

I came up with (well, we both came up with) not being around the church any more. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE religion. Can't get enough of it. It fascinates me how it provides thousands of various devotees with purpose and convictions. But I think that's the point. There will never be one way to be, one way to look at things, one candle to hold everyone and everything up to. I still find the value in religion, and I still have a great personal interest in my own spiritual development, but (and especially at this time in my life) I feel so much happier knowing that I have the freedom to find out how I really am, not as a member of a church but as a person. No wonder I was so damn unhappy all the time, lol.

I guess those who practice would say that I'm taking the easy way out. I think the term that they use is "buffet Catholic" - picking and choosing the things that I follow, agree with or disagree with. I don't deny that, and those closest to me know that I am by no means a Catholic. If anything I am culturally Catholic - something that I happen to enjoy being. "But yes, father, it's true. I don't believe. At least not the formula that you're handing me. And I'm not sorry for any of my aforementioned sins because I don't believe that I was wrong."

Yes, I said those very words to a priest during my last confession. It was a 45-minute breakdown of my prior belief system, and I think that running it by a priest really sealed the deal for me. And I dunno, studying Christianity from a historical, non-Christian perspective, alongside with other world religions, has really made me appreciate it in a completely different way. I value everything that it taught me about people and respect, but really. It was just another middle-eastern "mystery cult." That isn't meant to sound like a knock against the church, that's just how it started in the Western world. I find it an amazing institution...but only equal (maybe a little less, lol) in amazement to Judaism, Hinduism, Islam, Sufism...even Candomble, even rastafarianism. If people experience the divine in all of these cultural enclaves, then doesn't that suggest that there is something greater than us, than written words scratched in books by MAN during particular historical periods? There is something transcendant about the human spirit that I really doubt has anything to do with following a to-do list.

My wonderful amazing and not the least judgemental confirmation sponsor once told me a long time ago that his main concern was 'would god be proud of me if i met him at the end of the day."

All I can say is that I am ten times the person that I ever was 2-3 years ago.

A Jigsaw Falling Into Place...

I remember why I decided to make this blog. Because of horribly nosy people who like to determine the person that they choose to believe I am by reading my bloggies, hah. I guess the most logical thing to do would be to not write in online journals, but I'm stubborn and I usually go against my better judgements.

Anyway. I haven't written in this since September. Time is hilarious. September to January is no time at all, but it feels like all the difference in the world. It's always interesting to see where you've been...sometimes you end up in completely unfamiliar territory. Sometimes you end up exactly where you expected yourself to be. I think this semester's left me in the middle. A little bit of both. Things are harder and easier. Happy and sad. I have things to look forward to and things that I'm petrified to have to face. Isn't that just the way it goes though?

I'm happily into my first week of the last Jan-Term of my life. T.S. Eliot and Ernest Hemingway are great topics to spend your time learning about! They have so much to say. So many contradictions, which I love. I am full of contradictions, as is everyone I'm sure.

And February will mark the beginning of my last semester of college. When all is said and done, college has been nothing but a positive experience for me and I'm thankful that I got to go. I spent a good amount of time worrying my ass off about what my future is going to be like and what I'm going to end up doing with my life, but winter break gave me a little time to catch my breath and I'm feeling much better now. I don't worry too much about it these days. I will end up exactly where I'm meant to end up...I guess that as long as I keep focusing my energies on pursuing the things that matter to me I should end up alright. Law school, yes. But I want to keep learning about people and cultures. I want to keep seeing new places and learning about things that I've never heard of before. I just have to keep reminding myself that there are bigger things at work in the world that have nothing and everything to do with me.

I'm going to clean out my closet and listen to some Radiohead. Peace, people. And don't forget to vote!

"The Way I See It:"

Wise words from my coffee cup:

Growing up, my parents always said, "You will leave this world the same way you came into it: with nothing." It made me realize that the only things we do in this world that count are those things that make the world a better place for those who will come behind it."
-Tyrone Hayes, National Geographic

Something to think about.

Mark bought a car yesterday! And I am so proud of his environmentally-friendly purchase! :) And also so proud that he pays for school and this car and all his other needs completely on his own. He doesn't have a single day off in the entire week. WTF? I have no idea how to do that yet. I will learn, though. Starting with working on my days off...something I've had to do since my favorite boss left. It's fine though; I'm happy to show my support.

Class starts tomorrow. Technically, it started today, but my T/TR class got cancelled. Cliche as it sound, "I can't believe this is my senior year! Oh-em-gee!" Seriously though, when did I turn into a college senior?

My T/TR got cancelled...and so did my LSAT prep class! Not enough people signed up to take it at Pitzer, so I'm going to the one at Santa Monica City College for free...plus I get to put my payment towards 6 hours of private tutoring. If I do worse on this test, then I'm pretty much an idiot.

I need to get back to work.

"Were you in the shit?"

-Max Fischer

My "Hawaii-Grandma is going to get surgery soon...95% it's cancer. I really wish that I was the praying type during times like these.

It was my parents' 22nd anniversary yesterday. I got them a great cake...those square kinds that look like gift boxes. It was so well-made that my dad literally thought it was a gift. As in he reached for it to open the box and got a hand full of bavarian cream. We went to Gyu-Kaku for dinner and burned all the Japanese sausages; we've never been good at barbeques anyway. It was a good time and all, but I still think it's funny that they celebrate their anniversaries.

September's barely started, and I already am so eager to get it over with. Mostly because I spend all of my spare time doing LSAT prep tests. I don't think I'm going to do mind-blowingly well, but a lot of people seem to think that I am, and that just makes it even more irritating.

Friday was Mr. Lindsay's last day at MH&L. I guess it's just going to be MH from here on out. M&H? I dunno, I'll have to ask. I really enjoyed being one of those people who could say "I love my boss!" without being even a little bit full of shit. I can't blame him for leaving, though. If I got offered a job at the firm that represents UPS International, I'd leave too.

My mom's business partner has a neice or something that has her own practice somewhere in Los Angeles. They've dealt with big companies like Pfizer (I have no idea how to spell Pfizer); pharmacy stuff. That might be a good place to intern at later in life. It really gets me down that all I have to look forward to from here on out is work. "YES, I GOT THE JOB!!!!" "YES, I GOT ACCEPTED!!!!" "YES, THEY MADE ME A GOOD OFFER!!!" "YES, I CAN AFFORD THE HOUSE IN SAN MARINO!!!!" LoL. This is the stuff that my dreams have been made of lately, and even though they are my own dreams, I'm not particularly pleased with them. There are just more things to be happy about than work and stuff, I think. How irritating that what you do determines so much of the life that you will ultimately be able to have, because what you do has so little to do with who you are. It should be a reflection of who you are, sure. But it's not supposed to define you. I hope I never let it define me. I hope I never find myself with my nose in the air and my head in my ass (at the same time! yikes!), snubbing the little people because I'm a muthafuckin lawyer. I hate the type. I'm glad I ended up working in an office that isn't like that...it was encouraging to see.

Anyway, I'm going oto go finish some laundry, go discount shopping for a new top to wear to Mark's family reunion next week, do some practice tests, buy some dog food, and get a key duplicated. Oh, man. Look out.

"Pray for me please that I keep smiling at Him in spite of everything..."

-Mother Teresa (regarding the latest discoveries about her feelings towards God, heaven, religion, etc)

"So what is to learn from this? Obviously this shows that it is okay to doubt, but even more prevalent is the lesson in altruism. Doing good for the sake of doing good and not for a God, Heaven, or religion is truly the greatest deed on Earth."

...says a good person that I go to school with. That I've shared a good amount of religious musings with. I couldn't agree more.

I like to think that I'm a good person. I'd even go so far as to say that I'm better than a good amount. Not better in ability or in looks or in intelligence...I'm average, if not below, in most of the socially significant aspects of life. I just mean that I have a good idea of what I believe it means to be a good person, and I think that I do a good job of staying close to it. I don't think that it's vain to think that. If someone can honestly say that they think they're a good person, then I think that they should be able to feel good about that.

Not to say that I'm anywhere near Mother Teresa. She qualifies as a saint whether she wanted to or not! Because, like he said, she did good because it was the right thing to do. Even if she may not have wanted to. Even if it wasn't really done for God, for his glory, for any of those things. You do it for the person that is directly in front of you. That, I think, is what Jesus was really up to all that time. I don't care if he was God, man, somewhere in between. I like to think of him as a regular guy, kinda 'off', kinda an outcast, misunderstood...but ultimately a person with a good heart. If a person wants to emulate him, be like him, it shouldn't be because he's "sinless" and "great" and our "shepherd." You should want a good heart, earned and developed with your OWN thoughts, life experiences, etc. Or at least that's what I think.

Aaaaanyway. Not to sound preachy, but...you know, whatever, no apologies necessary. And frankly, I enjoy what I have to say, lol. But yeah. Anyway. I finished "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close." Amazing. I suggest you give it a go.

I had to go to Orange today, to the St. Joseph's hospital area. God, that place was a maze...I felt like Albert in "I Heart Huckabees," you know, during the opening credits when he's looking for the office. I did notice, though, how beautiful the patient center building was. It looked more like a hotel than a medical center (not a five star hotel or anything, but still very nice). I could never work in the medical field, though. It wouldn't matter how beautiful the hospital was; I would still never be able to shake off the reality that loss was happening all around me. I would fail at being a doctor for sure! I don't know if I would do well to know that I caused someone one of the most significant losses of their lives. Actually. Sometimes I feel like I might fail at being an attorney, for the very same reasons. But like I say, who knows. We'll see.

Anyway, on the way down to the main floor, I shared an elevator with a really cute couple...really perfect looking, actually. Except that the wife couldn't walk. For some reason, I felt like an absolute jerk, standing in front of her, shifting my weight from one leg to the other. I got to the parking lot and decided to take the stairs to my car. I felt like it was the least I could do. I hate that I only appreciate things after I see something sad.

What if I lost the ability to walk in my mid-40s? Why does that have to happen to anyone, anyway? There are a lot of things that I wish I knew more about. Like why my parents ever decided to get married (if they never really loved each other the way you have to to get married). Or why I can't sleep full nights when I'm not with him. Or why I can't write poetry anymore (feeling shy about yourself is a weird feeling). I want to know why I cry every time I hear "After Hours," or why I at least feel like crying whenever I hear that voice sing, period. I wonder why Monica had to die. But maybe I don't want the answer to that question.

I've been emotional this year! Hah, to say the least. I'm fine. Perfectly fine. Actually, I'm a lot happier than any other time I can remember. But I'm ridiculously sensitive. For a while I've just assumed that it was a phase. But now that I think of it, ever since it happened, I've taken life incredibly seriously. I think of everything waaaay too carefully. Weigh things way to heavily. It this who I am know? Another question I wish I knew the answer to.

"I wanted to be empty like an overturned pitcher. But I was full like a stone."

Like I said, it's a good book. Good quotes. I wish I could put words together as beautifully as that.

Anyway. My mind's been busy today. All week, actually. Ask my poor boyfriend; he's been so nice about it, but I'm sure it's starting to get on his nerves. :) Another thing to appreciate.

Ok. Ok. Time to eat yogurt and do practice tests. Holler.

Beginning with...

Ooooohhhh, Kay.

I had another one of these, but I forgot my username/password/all that good stuff, so I decided to make a new one. Not much sense in it, since I have a facebook, a myspace, a xanga, a livejournal, and, you know, actual journals. I guess I'm just THAT in to what I have to say, hah.

Plus, today was a lovely day, and lovely days filled with nothing have a way of inspiring me to do artsy things. Usually it comes in theform of a painting or a little song on the piano, but today it was a new blog. Who's to say a public online journal isn't artistic??!

So, I'm going to tinker around and re-familliarize myself with this thing. Peace.