Time machine.
Even bigger time machine: http://thestoryinthesoil.blogspot.com/
Don't judge me because of how emo I was. Or am. Or whatever.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Sunday, June 8, 2008
She's got one magic trick. Just one, and that's it. She disappears.
M. Ward! The best.
On my mind today: Jesus Christ, a lot of people got engaged right after graduation. I've seen around 5 status-update-type notifications about people planning to get hitched. It used to sound perfectly normal to me that a lot of people get married after getting their bachelor's degree. But then all of a sudden I got my bachelor's degree. Now it sounds weird. Just a personal thing, I guess. I could never imagine being married at this point in my life.
Then again, I still have an agenda to take care of before I can settle down and all that good stuff. I get that a lot of people don't want/need to go any further than a bachelor's degree. That they're ready to work and start a family right out of school. That's what their agenda looks like.
Honestly I have my moments. I have my "good lord, I am sick of school and I want to start the things in life that I care about starting the most" moments. Because frankly, getting a law degree is absolutely nothing compared to getting married and having a family. It's what I want to do, but it's nowhere near as important, nor will it be anywhere near as fulfilling. Challenging as I know it will be, I know I won't feel particularly "amazing" or "special" about it. Pushing a baby out of me clearly blows getting that class ring out of the water.
Obviously I have no plans of getting married anytime soon. Unless 4-5 years from now is "soon" to you. It gets weird thinking about it, though. Mark and I have been together for 5 years...he's the only person I've actually been with and vice versa. There's that whole situation...I think Jackie Chan summed it up pretty well: "the farther you run in one direction, the harder it is to go back and start over". What else can I do but give my best and hope it works? At any rate, it's scary thinking about what I'd do if it didn't...
We won't think about that now, though. There are too many positive things to think about. Early as usual, I'm completely packed for the Philippines, and almost completely packed for Santa Clara. One week of misery and I'm off! Misery, because my car is in the shop and insurance doesn't cover me for the rental car. So I'm pretty stranded, unless someone wants to come get me and hang out. I'm excited for the Philippines, and would be even more excited about Santa Clara if I actually had a place to live. Wish me luck on that one.
Anyway, I'm actually pretty tired. What a miracle, cuz I've been going to be at around 3am for the past few nights. P.S....the time change for the Philippines is confusing the fuck out of me. I hope I don't miss/take too many doses of the pill when I'm there. Boo.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Grow up & blow away...
I can't even count the number of girls that are just like me/girls that I'm just like. I like to write out my laundry list of accomplishments that coincide with my whole once-overly-protected-and-religiously-devout-but-now-exposed-to-the-rest-of-the-world, asian-daughter-into-bands-and-indie-shit-with-glasses-and-side-bangs prototype. I'm a global/cultural studies major. i liked to write and imagined i'd be an english major, hated it, and ended up minoring in it. my previous leaps of blind faith have left me obsessed with religion so i eventually took enough classes to get a minor in that too. i "love travel". i like to go to shows in my blazers and headbands and side bangs. i watch "films" and i (being asian) am a good student and plan on pursuing more and more and more and more scholarly endeavors.
But Monica was a unique person. As unique as it gets. I never see any real individuals anymore; just a bunch of "prototypical non-conformists" (and I should know, cuz I just spent the last paragraph talking about how I am one...). Monica has been dead for year. It was exactly one year last Sunday, and if I had a computer in my room in Whittier, I would have typed and typed and typed meaningless words (kinda line these words) about how much I miss her and how she never ever deserved to die because she loved living more than anyone else that I knew/know. She knew what it was "all about". She loved her life and took it for everything that it was and wasn't, which is so much more than so many other people can say.
I find it particularly upsetting when I hear the biblical sayings of "it was god's plan" or "she's in a better place." i don't know where she is, and i don't believe in that kind of god, and I really don't find any comfort in those sorts of things. I prefer "The Little Prince" to the bible and those ideas have been getting me past it.
She was only 20 years old. And what's horrible is that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. She was healthy and happy and perfect. I know that time is supposed to heal and I feel like everyone moves/moved forward...I guess I did too in a way. But the problem is that I never felt ANGRY about it until last week. Until the 1 year "anniversary". Until seeing everyone gathered into that "Day Care" room at St. Joseph's (where we met, where we became friends and sisters 17 years ago...), there to support her family and to celebrate her life.
I'm not gonna be melodramatic and say some shit like "I wonder who'd celebrate my life?" I know exactly who. A lot of people love me and would be devastated if anything like that ever happened. I really don't think that's the point. And just because this happened to Monica doesn't mean I don't think that we are all pretty insignificant in the whole big scheme of existence. I just hope that I keep Monica and her light and her joy and contentment in mind these next few months.
She was never in any particular rush to "get the fuck out" of here. She didn't think that staying in Rancho made you a failure. There's nothing wrong with staying if you have no reason to leave. I have every reason to leave, but I hope that when I make my decision, I make it for the RIGHT reasons. Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons isn't worth it.
Ugh, god. How frustrating. There are so many people that are just TRASH. Absolute trash. Monica was golden. I still don't comprehend the fact that she's gone and never coming back.
There is, however, goodness going on in my life. My dad is the new...well shit, I don't totally know the title. Something like the Director for technological training and advancement for the district of San Bernardino community colleges. What I like about it is he advocates new sources of more efficient energy through nanotechnology etc to business and stuff, and educates them on technology and how to harness it to help the environment. As you all know, I'm really "in to that" whole saving the earth thing, lol. At least I'm a sheep to productive trends.
Well. Obsessively buying overpriced pants is really REALLY far from productive.
Ugh, Monica. She would know better.
But Monica was a unique person. As unique as it gets. I never see any real individuals anymore; just a bunch of "prototypical non-conformists" (and I should know, cuz I just spent the last paragraph talking about how I am one...). Monica has been dead for year. It was exactly one year last Sunday, and if I had a computer in my room in Whittier, I would have typed and typed and typed meaningless words (kinda line these words) about how much I miss her and how she never ever deserved to die because she loved living more than anyone else that I knew/know. She knew what it was "all about". She loved her life and took it for everything that it was and wasn't, which is so much more than so many other people can say.
I find it particularly upsetting when I hear the biblical sayings of "it was god's plan" or "she's in a better place." i don't know where she is, and i don't believe in that kind of god, and I really don't find any comfort in those sorts of things. I prefer "The Little Prince" to the bible and those ideas have been getting me past it.
She was only 20 years old. And what's horrible is that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. She was healthy and happy and perfect. I know that time is supposed to heal and I feel like everyone moves/moved forward...I guess I did too in a way. But the problem is that I never felt ANGRY about it until last week. Until the 1 year "anniversary". Until seeing everyone gathered into that "Day Care" room at St. Joseph's (where we met, where we became friends and sisters 17 years ago...), there to support her family and to celebrate her life.
I'm not gonna be melodramatic and say some shit like "I wonder who'd celebrate my life?" I know exactly who. A lot of people love me and would be devastated if anything like that ever happened. I really don't think that's the point. And just because this happened to Monica doesn't mean I don't think that we are all pretty insignificant in the whole big scheme of existence. I just hope that I keep Monica and her light and her joy and contentment in mind these next few months.
She was never in any particular rush to "get the fuck out" of here. She didn't think that staying in Rancho made you a failure. There's nothing wrong with staying if you have no reason to leave. I have every reason to leave, but I hope that when I make my decision, I make it for the RIGHT reasons. Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons isn't worth it.
Ugh, god. How frustrating. There are so many people that are just TRASH. Absolute trash. Monica was golden. I still don't comprehend the fact that she's gone and never coming back.
There is, however, goodness going on in my life. My dad is the new...well shit, I don't totally know the title. Something like the Director for technological training and advancement for the district of San Bernardino community colleges. What I like about it is he advocates new sources of more efficient energy through nanotechnology etc to business and stuff, and educates them on technology and how to harness it to help the environment. As you all know, I'm really "in to that" whole saving the earth thing, lol. At least I'm a sheep to productive trends.
Well. Obsessively buying overpriced pants is really REALLY far from productive.
Ugh, Monica. She would know better.
Monday, January 14, 2008
"...it's just a lie to scare your sons and scare your daughters."
Mark and I were driving around talking last night...marveling at how much we've changed and how much more fulfilled and complete we feel nowadays. And we got to thinking, "What was it that brought about this new appreciation for the Self?"
I came up with (well, we both came up with) not being around the church any more. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE religion. Can't get enough of it. It fascinates me how it provides thousands of various devotees with purpose and convictions. But I think that's the point. There will never be one way to be, one way to look at things, one candle to hold everyone and everything up to. I still find the value in religion, and I still have a great personal interest in my own spiritual development, but (and especially at this time in my life) I feel so much happier knowing that I have the freedom to find out how I really am, not as a member of a church but as a person. No wonder I was so damn unhappy all the time, lol.
I guess those who practice would say that I'm taking the easy way out. I think the term that they use is "buffet Catholic" - picking and choosing the things that I follow, agree with or disagree with. I don't deny that, and those closest to me know that I am by no means a Catholic. If anything I am culturally Catholic - something that I happen to enjoy being. "But yes, father, it's true. I don't believe. At least not the formula that you're handing me. And I'm not sorry for any of my aforementioned sins because I don't believe that I was wrong."
Yes, I said those very words to a priest during my last confession. It was a 45-minute breakdown of my prior belief system, and I think that running it by a priest really sealed the deal for me. And I dunno, studying Christianity from a historical, non-Christian perspective, alongside with other world religions, has really made me appreciate it in a completely different way. I value everything that it taught me about people and respect, but really. It was just another middle-eastern "mystery cult." That isn't meant to sound like a knock against the church, that's just how it started in the Western world. I find it an amazing institution...but only equal (maybe a little less, lol) in amazement to Judaism, Hinduism, Islam, Sufism...even Candomble, even rastafarianism. If people experience the divine in all of these cultural enclaves, then doesn't that suggest that there is something greater than us, than written words scratched in books by MAN during particular historical periods? There is something transcendant about the human spirit that I really doubt has anything to do with following a to-do list.
My wonderful amazing and not the least judgemental confirmation sponsor once told me a long time ago that his main concern was 'would god be proud of me if i met him at the end of the day."
All I can say is that I am ten times the person that I ever was 2-3 years ago.
I came up with (well, we both came up with) not being around the church any more. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE religion. Can't get enough of it. It fascinates me how it provides thousands of various devotees with purpose and convictions. But I think that's the point. There will never be one way to be, one way to look at things, one candle to hold everyone and everything up to. I still find the value in religion, and I still have a great personal interest in my own spiritual development, but (and especially at this time in my life) I feel so much happier knowing that I have the freedom to find out how I really am, not as a member of a church but as a person. No wonder I was so damn unhappy all the time, lol.
I guess those who practice would say that I'm taking the easy way out. I think the term that they use is "buffet Catholic" - picking and choosing the things that I follow, agree with or disagree with. I don't deny that, and those closest to me know that I am by no means a Catholic. If anything I am culturally Catholic - something that I happen to enjoy being. "But yes, father, it's true. I don't believe. At least not the formula that you're handing me. And I'm not sorry for any of my aforementioned sins because I don't believe that I was wrong."
Yes, I said those very words to a priest during my last confession. It was a 45-minute breakdown of my prior belief system, and I think that running it by a priest really sealed the deal for me. And I dunno, studying Christianity from a historical, non-Christian perspective, alongside with other world religions, has really made me appreciate it in a completely different way. I value everything that it taught me about people and respect, but really. It was just another middle-eastern "mystery cult." That isn't meant to sound like a knock against the church, that's just how it started in the Western world. I find it an amazing institution...but only equal (maybe a little less, lol) in amazement to Judaism, Hinduism, Islam, Sufism...even Candomble, even rastafarianism. If people experience the divine in all of these cultural enclaves, then doesn't that suggest that there is something greater than us, than written words scratched in books by MAN during particular historical periods? There is something transcendant about the human spirit that I really doubt has anything to do with following a to-do list.
My wonderful amazing and not the least judgemental confirmation sponsor once told me a long time ago that his main concern was 'would god be proud of me if i met him at the end of the day."
All I can say is that I am ten times the person that I ever was 2-3 years ago.
Friday, January 11, 2008
A Jigsaw Falling Into Place...
I remember why I decided to make this blog. Because of horribly nosy people who like to determine the person that they choose to believe I am by reading my bloggies, hah. I guess the most logical thing to do would be to not write in online journals, but I'm stubborn and I usually go against my better judgements.
Anyway. I haven't written in this since September. Time is hilarious. September to January is no time at all, but it feels like all the difference in the world. It's always interesting to see where you've been...sometimes you end up in completely unfamiliar territory. Sometimes you end up exactly where you expected yourself to be. I think this semester's left me in the middle. A little bit of both. Things are harder and easier. Happy and sad. I have things to look forward to and things that I'm petrified to have to face. Isn't that just the way it goes though?
I'm happily into my first week of the last Jan-Term of my life. T.S. Eliot and Ernest Hemingway are great topics to spend your time learning about! They have so much to say. So many contradictions, which I love. I am full of contradictions, as is everyone I'm sure.
And February will mark the beginning of my last semester of college. When all is said and done, college has been nothing but a positive experience for me and I'm thankful that I got to go. I spent a good amount of time worrying my ass off about what my future is going to be like and what I'm going to end up doing with my life, but winter break gave me a little time to catch my breath and I'm feeling much better now. I don't worry too much about it these days. I will end up exactly where I'm meant to end up...I guess that as long as I keep focusing my energies on pursuing the things that matter to me I should end up alright. Law school, yes. But I want to keep learning about people and cultures. I want to keep seeing new places and learning about things that I've never heard of before. I just have to keep reminding myself that there are bigger things at work in the world that have nothing and everything to do with me.
I'm going to clean out my closet and listen to some Radiohead. Peace, people. And don't forget to vote!
Anyway. I haven't written in this since September. Time is hilarious. September to January is no time at all, but it feels like all the difference in the world. It's always interesting to see where you've been...sometimes you end up in completely unfamiliar territory. Sometimes you end up exactly where you expected yourself to be. I think this semester's left me in the middle. A little bit of both. Things are harder and easier. Happy and sad. I have things to look forward to and things that I'm petrified to have to face. Isn't that just the way it goes though?
I'm happily into my first week of the last Jan-Term of my life. T.S. Eliot and Ernest Hemingway are great topics to spend your time learning about! They have so much to say. So many contradictions, which I love. I am full of contradictions, as is everyone I'm sure.
And February will mark the beginning of my last semester of college. When all is said and done, college has been nothing but a positive experience for me and I'm thankful that I got to go. I spent a good amount of time worrying my ass off about what my future is going to be like and what I'm going to end up doing with my life, but winter break gave me a little time to catch my breath and I'm feeling much better now. I don't worry too much about it these days. I will end up exactly where I'm meant to end up...I guess that as long as I keep focusing my energies on pursuing the things that matter to me I should end up alright. Law school, yes. But I want to keep learning about people and cultures. I want to keep seeing new places and learning about things that I've never heard of before. I just have to keep reminding myself that there are bigger things at work in the world that have nothing and everything to do with me.
I'm going to clean out my closet and listen to some Radiohead. Peace, people. And don't forget to vote!
Thursday, September 6, 2007
"The Way I See It:"
Wise words from my coffee cup:
Growing up, my parents always said, "You will leave this world the same way you came into it: with nothing." It made me realize that the only things we do in this world that count are those things that make the world a better place for those who will come behind it."
-Tyrone Hayes, National Geographic
Something to think about.
Mark bought a car yesterday! And I am so proud of his environmentally-friendly purchase! :) And also so proud that he pays for school and this car and all his other needs completely on his own. He doesn't have a single day off in the entire week. WTF? I have no idea how to do that yet. I will learn, though. Starting with working on my days off...something I've had to do since my favorite boss left. It's fine though; I'm happy to show my support.
Class starts tomorrow. Technically, it started today, but my T/TR class got cancelled. Cliche as it sound, "I can't believe this is my senior year! Oh-em-gee!" Seriously though, when did I turn into a college senior?
My T/TR got cancelled...and so did my LSAT prep class! Not enough people signed up to take it at Pitzer, so I'm going to the one at Santa Monica City College for free...plus I get to put my payment towards 6 hours of private tutoring. If I do worse on this test, then I'm pretty much an idiot.
I need to get back to work.
Growing up, my parents always said, "You will leave this world the same way you came into it: with nothing." It made me realize that the only things we do in this world that count are those things that make the world a better place for those who will come behind it."
-Tyrone Hayes, National Geographic
Something to think about.
Mark bought a car yesterday! And I am so proud of his environmentally-friendly purchase! :) And also so proud that he pays for school and this car and all his other needs completely on his own. He doesn't have a single day off in the entire week. WTF? I have no idea how to do that yet. I will learn, though. Starting with working on my days off...something I've had to do since my favorite boss left. It's fine though; I'm happy to show my support.
Class starts tomorrow. Technically, it started today, but my T/TR class got cancelled. Cliche as it sound, "I can't believe this is my senior year! Oh-em-gee!" Seriously though, when did I turn into a college senior?
My T/TR got cancelled...and so did my LSAT prep class! Not enough people signed up to take it at Pitzer, so I'm going to the one at Santa Monica City College for free...plus I get to put my payment towards 6 hours of private tutoring. If I do worse on this test, then I'm pretty much an idiot.
I need to get back to work.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
"Were you in the shit?"
-Max Fischer
My "Hawaii-Grandma is going to get surgery soon...95% it's cancer. I really wish that I was the praying type during times like these.
It was my parents' 22nd anniversary yesterday. I got them a great cake...those square kinds that look like gift boxes. It was so well-made that my dad literally thought it was a gift. As in he reached for it to open the box and got a hand full of bavarian cream. We went to Gyu-Kaku for dinner and burned all the Japanese sausages; we've never been good at barbeques anyway. It was a good time and all, but I still think it's funny that they celebrate their anniversaries.
September's barely started, and I already am so eager to get it over with. Mostly because I spend all of my spare time doing LSAT prep tests. I don't think I'm going to do mind-blowingly well, but a lot of people seem to think that I am, and that just makes it even more irritating.
Friday was Mr. Lindsay's last day at MH&L. I guess it's just going to be MH from here on out. M&H? I dunno, I'll have to ask. I really enjoyed being one of those people who could say "I love my boss!" without being even a little bit full of shit. I can't blame him for leaving, though. If I got offered a job at the firm that represents UPS International, I'd leave too.
My mom's business partner has a neice or something that has her own practice somewhere in Los Angeles. They've dealt with big companies like Pfizer (I have no idea how to spell Pfizer); pharmacy stuff. That might be a good place to intern at later in life. It really gets me down that all I have to look forward to from here on out is work. "YES, I GOT THE JOB!!!!" "YES, I GOT ACCEPTED!!!!" "YES, THEY MADE ME A GOOD OFFER!!!" "YES, I CAN AFFORD THE HOUSE IN SAN MARINO!!!!" LoL. This is the stuff that my dreams have been made of lately, and even though they are my own dreams, I'm not particularly pleased with them. There are just more things to be happy about than work and stuff, I think. How irritating that what you do determines so much of the life that you will ultimately be able to have, because what you do has so little to do with who you are. It should be a reflection of who you are, sure. But it's not supposed to define you. I hope I never let it define me. I hope I never find myself with my nose in the air and my head in my ass (at the same time! yikes!), snubbing the little people because I'm a muthafuckin lawyer. I hate the type. I'm glad I ended up working in an office that isn't like that...it was encouraging to see.
Anyway, I'm going oto go finish some laundry, go discount shopping for a new top to wear to Mark's family reunion next week, do some practice tests, buy some dog food, and get a key duplicated. Oh, man. Look out.
My "Hawaii-Grandma is going to get surgery soon...95% it's cancer. I really wish that I was the praying type during times like these.
It was my parents' 22nd anniversary yesterday. I got them a great cake...those square kinds that look like gift boxes. It was so well-made that my dad literally thought it was a gift. As in he reached for it to open the box and got a hand full of bavarian cream. We went to Gyu-Kaku for dinner and burned all the Japanese sausages; we've never been good at barbeques anyway. It was a good time and all, but I still think it's funny that they celebrate their anniversaries.
September's barely started, and I already am so eager to get it over with. Mostly because I spend all of my spare time doing LSAT prep tests. I don't think I'm going to do mind-blowingly well, but a lot of people seem to think that I am, and that just makes it even more irritating.
Friday was Mr. Lindsay's last day at MH&L. I guess it's just going to be MH from here on out. M&H? I dunno, I'll have to ask. I really enjoyed being one of those people who could say "I love my boss!" without being even a little bit full of shit. I can't blame him for leaving, though. If I got offered a job at the firm that represents UPS International, I'd leave too.
My mom's business partner has a neice or something that has her own practice somewhere in Los Angeles. They've dealt with big companies like Pfizer (I have no idea how to spell Pfizer); pharmacy stuff. That might be a good place to intern at later in life. It really gets me down that all I have to look forward to from here on out is work. "YES, I GOT THE JOB!!!!" "YES, I GOT ACCEPTED!!!!" "YES, THEY MADE ME A GOOD OFFER!!!" "YES, I CAN AFFORD THE HOUSE IN SAN MARINO!!!!" LoL. This is the stuff that my dreams have been made of lately, and even though they are my own dreams, I'm not particularly pleased with them. There are just more things to be happy about than work and stuff, I think. How irritating that what you do determines so much of the life that you will ultimately be able to have, because what you do has so little to do with who you are. It should be a reflection of who you are, sure. But it's not supposed to define you. I hope I never let it define me. I hope I never find myself with my nose in the air and my head in my ass (at the same time! yikes!), snubbing the little people because I'm a muthafuckin lawyer. I hate the type. I'm glad I ended up working in an office that isn't like that...it was encouraging to see.
Anyway, I'm going oto go finish some laundry, go discount shopping for a new top to wear to Mark's family reunion next week, do some practice tests, buy some dog food, and get a key duplicated. Oh, man. Look out.
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